Halloween Discussion Forums, Costumes, Horror!

Without living there, it's hard to know what was really going on between those two women. Since your Aunt Betsy did pass away, perhaps she just wasn't feeling well much of the time.

I'm sure you'll choose wisely for Millie's companion. As for her diet, I think much of our longevity is beyond our control. We want to think we have more power over these things than we do. Obviously, dissipation is likely to wreck our health. But beyond that, I think all this fastidiousness about what we eat and how hard we exercise, etc, is probably not going to add much to our time here. At most,, it may make us feel better while we are here.

My experience of child bearing taught me that most of these things are beyond our control. Because of the cord issues I had with my boys, I learned that things can go terribly wrong in a great big hurry and it's nobody's fault. Since then, I've heard younger women pontificate about how they'll have babies at home, etc, and I always beg them not to do that. Nobody at the hospital is going to force feed you drugs if you don't want them. The medical folks are just there to make sure the baby is ok if something very unexpected happens. But nobody ever listens to me when I say these things. The young women think they'll be OK because they are smart and strong willed. And usually they are right. But what they don't recognize is that I was smart and strong willed, too. One way or another, life teaches humility to all of us.

Re the elderly, the best arrangement I ever saw was my aunt's out in CA, who lived to be 90. A few years before she died, maybe 7 or 8, her adult kids sold her house for a pretty penny. Then they used some of that money to build a tiny house in my cousin's backyard. During the day, a hired companion stayed with her. At night, a family member would sleep with her. With four kids and multiple grandkids in the area, they rotated the nighttime duty. She was well looked after and was able to spend some time at her son's house when it suited everyone. But she had her own place, and so did he and his family. Now that she's gone, they can use that tiny house as a guest cottage.

There's a whole lot of truth in your last post, Murf.

I think that every young person thinks that they know everything about everything, and even when somebody older speaking from experience tries to tell them what they shouldn't do, they refuse to listen because they think their way is the right way, but then they usually find out that the advice they ignored was right. Young people have to learn those lessons themselves, and when they grow up and try to advise somebody younger, they are ignored the same way they did to the people that tried to help them. It's just the way life is, it's a vicious cycle that happens to every generation.

I learned that things can go terribly wrong in a great big hurry and it's nobody's fault.

That's what happened with my wife, we had her last ultrasound a week before Phoebe was born and everything was normal, but when she went into labor the doctor found out that Phoebe had somehow turned around in the womb, and she had to have the Caesarean birth. My wife looks back on it now and jokes that even then Phoebe was doing flips.

Nobody at the hospital is going to force feed you drugs if you don't want them.

Yeah, especially because you have to pay for them.

Regarding your aunt's living arrangement, I think that it's a good idea, and if this was 20 years ago we could have done the same thing for Millie, but at her age now it's just better for her to stay where she is. The truth is that we don't know how much longer she has, she could go soon, or she could surprise everybody and pull another decade, and even if my uncle dies before her we will still continue to have a caregiver there for her for as long as she lives. It's not her house, but it is her home, and if she says that she wants to die there then we will respect her wishes.

Wow, maybe Phoebe really was doing back flips! It's so rare for a baby to turn again after they've already turned.

I don't doubt that keeping Millie in her familiar surroundings is the best way to go. I'm sure you'll decide what's in her best interest.

At the time the doctors had no idea how she got turned, my wife said that when she had Sam and her water broke it was just like a plop of liquid without any pain, but when she had Phoebe she said that it was a painful jolt with a sudden gush, and it felt like she got kicked in the stomach, so she immediately knew something wasn't right.

About a month after the birth her doctor had a theory about what happened, he said that he thinks that the baby got turned by the explosive force she experienced when her water broke, though he admitted that he wasn't sure if that was even possible, as he hadn't ever heard of that happening before. Either way, we're just thankful that she was born healthy.

Yes, it's miraculous what drs can do when there's a
complication. Colin's cord prolapsed when his water broke, which happened in the hospital. I started not even to tell anyone, but then I thought it was stupid to lie there wet, so I called a nurse. She was the one who noticed he was in distress. Then they jumped into action. I'll spare you the details, but those people did everything right. If I'd tried a home birth he'd have probably been born dead, since there's no way to get to the hospital that fast. I'd bore you with the extensive list of his accomplishments thus far in life. Let's just say that, instead of a son with a PhD, working at the Univ of Chicago, I'd have had a baby to bury. I know what happened to him is rare, but there was zero prior indication that there might be complications. That's why I beg younger women to go to the hospital, because you never know what could happen.

You're absolutely right.

When I was younger and my mother would tell me that she was proud of me I didn't really get it. I mean, yes, I was helping my family by balancing work and school, but I was also doing those things to build something for myself, and at the time I didn't look at it as something that somebody should be proud of, probably because of something that one of my favorite teachers said to me ... manhood isn't about age, it's about responsibility. So from my perspective I was just doing what had to be done, and I didn't expect any validation for it.

But as a parent myself now, I understand exactly why parents are proud of the things that their kids achieve, so I know how you and your husband feel about your son. It really is astonishing to think back to when they were babies that depended on you for everything, and to watch them grow into the people that they are now, and will eventually be.

On a unrelated note, the link below is for Andy when he gets back. This looks like it's going to be pretty good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnmc33Y55YI

Well, with my out of date phone I can't get that to play right, but it looks like it may be a movie based on a secondary character from The Big Bang Theory, which was a show I also enjoyed. I thought it was the best sitcom after Frasier. Hope the movie is good and does well. We could use a good comedy these days.

Yes, to all you say about parents' taking pride in their kids. And that was such good advice from your teacher, about manhood being defined by taking responsibility.

Murf, I had no idea that you were a fan of TBBT. The link that I posted is actually a trailer for a new series, probably about 10 episodes.

We could use a good comedy these days.

You're telling me, I haven't watched any good new comedies in almost a year, I just go rewatch the classics.

I just wanted to give a update on Phoebe's progress in the tournament. This tournament is slightly different because they have separated the age groups more evenly, and she is competing in the 6-12 age category. Also, you're only allowed to compete against your own gender, so boys vs. boys, and girls vs. girls.

Week 1 - She placed first in her age group.

Week 2 - Ditto.

Week 3 - Well, she got disqualified for excessive brutality, unsportsmanlike conduct, and swearing at a referee.

The tournament started like usual, she was plowing through every single opponent rather easily, but then she came up against a 11 year old girl. The girl was one of the favorites to win the tournament, she has a few more years of experience, and she has been competing longer, and she has a reputation for being one of the best. It was the first time that Phoebe had ever competed against her. Just so you know, after each contender scores a hit, both of them are sent back to their side of the mat for a moment and the referee checks if they can continue before he restarts the match.

The match started and Phoebe landed the first hit, I could tell that the girl was upset that Phoebe got the first point. When the match restarted the girl came out swinging and Phoebe was blocking every single hit for almost a minute straight, it was awesome to watch, then the girl finally landed a hit on Phoebe. It's the first time that a opponent has landed a hit on her in over 2 years. The referee sent them back to their side of of the mat, and then I saw it ... the smirk. I'll get back to that later. The match restarted and the girl threw a punch, then Phoebe grabbed her by the wrist and gave her 4 straight brutal kicks to the ribs, the girl collapsed to the mat and you could tell that she was hurt. Technically, Phoebe was supposed to stop after 1 kick, so the referee deducted a point for that and gave her a warning.

The referee went to check if the girl could still compete, she looked like she was struggling to breathe, but she wanted to continue, so the match restarted. The girl threw another punch and again Phoebe grabbed her wrist then she gave her a ferocious kick to the left side of her face, then swung her foot around, she was supposed to swing back and kick the right side of her face with the bottom of her foot, but instead she gave her a absolutely vicious kick directly to her face and the girl dropped. We couldn't tell exactly how bad she was hurt from where we were sitting, but we saw that the girl was bleeding bad.

Phoebe was just standing there smiling, there were people in the crowd that were cheering and they loved it, while others were booing and yelling for a DQ. I saw the referee looking at her with disgust on his face, and then he immediately stopped the match and disqualified Phoebe for brutality, she got mad at him and said that it was a legal kick, he disagreed and said that his decision stands, then she told him to eat sh*t... and the look on his face was hilarious, but he ejected her from the tournament for it. Phoebe gave him the double middle fingers and arrogantly pandered to the crowd showing that she didn't give a damn about the referee's decision. The crowd was going nuts.

Phoebe's coaches and trainers were applauding her and when she went over to them they hugged her, and then they turned to the referee and they simultaneously gave him the middle finger. Again, the crowd was yelling their approval. There were people helping the girl up and you saw that her front tooth was knocked out and her face was covered in blood from her mouth and nose, she could barely stand and they brought her to the back. We got up and went to the back to go to Phoebe, when we got there we saw her trainers arguing with the tournament officials, but they said the referee's decision stands. Her trainers were upset about it, but they were told that they could dispute it with the committee this week.

We asked Phoebe how she was doing, she said that she was fine, but that she was hungry and she wanted some cake. We saw that there was blood splatter running up the leg of her Gi, and she still had some of it on her face so my wife told her go wash up and get changed before we leave. We didn't say much during the ride back, but when we got here my wife looked at her and told her that she was disappointed in her and walked away, Phoebe just scoffed at it but I gave her a hug and we went to the kitchen. We sat there eating cake and talked about what happened, she said she doesn't care about the points or the tournament, but she won't let anybody beat her. I asked how she felt about what she did to the other girl and she laughed, she said that anybody that tries to hurt her is her enemy, and that she would kill them, so that's why she humiliated that girl and she got what she deserved.

Well, I guess that I can't argue with that. I mean, that's why we wanted our kids to learn martial arts, so that they could defend against enemies, and my grandfather and Millie taught us that we should kill our enemies if they ever try to hurt us. Of course, that doesn't really apply to kids competing in a tournament, so I explained to her that the kids that she competes against aren't her enemies, and they are just kids, and she only needs to outmaneuver them and score points, and she doesn't have to hurt them. I asked her if she understood me, she said that she did, and that she would try to remember that when she is competing.

I gave her a hug and told her that I was proud of her, and I truly am, because I know that while this aggressive streak isn't appropriate at this age, or for competition, I know that she is preparing for the real world when she's older, and it's a terrible world out there. Besides, I was pretty violent against the bullies in school until I was old enough to decide for myself that you shouldn't hurt anybody unless you have to, and I started punching walls and beating the sh*t out of cars in a junkyard to vent my anger. So hopefully she will learn to constructively channel her aggression the way that I did.

My wife and I had a discussion that night, she wasn't happy about Phoebe's behavior, or the cold manner in which she eliminated the other girl from the tournament. I told her that I had a talk with her about it, and that she understood my point, but my wife thinks that Phoebe needs some sort of anger management classes to help with her aggression issues. I told her that I disagree, and I sat there explaining Phoebe's and my point of view, but she just didn't understand it. I know that my wife didn't grow up with violence in her life, and she didn't have to go through what I did, so she can't possibly grasp the concept of the anger within. I told her that Phoebe will be fine, she just has some growing up to do.

Now for some cold hard truth, I saw something in Phoebe that legitimately scared me, it's something that is very familiar to me, and it's not what you might think it is, it's not the violence that she showed, but it's the smirk that she had on her face. I know what you're thinking, why would a smirk scare you? Well, as much as I hate to admit it, and believe me, I really hate to admit it, that is the same smirk that my father, and by consequence of inheriting some of his evil genetics, and I both have on our faces when somebody gets us angry. We don't show actual anger on our face, we don't yell or throw a tantrum, we remain quiet and just give that sarcastic smirk, and that smirk means ... I'm going to f***ing kill you.

It's something that has bothered me my whole life because I can feel it when it happens, and I instantly flashback to my childhood and remember that look on my father's face right before he would beat the sh*t out of somebody, and just remembering that actually fuels my anger and hatred in the moment and it makes me even angrier, and that is exactly what I saw from Phoebe, she didn't just want to beat her opponent in the match, she wanted to punish her and make her suffer. I think the reason that smirk scares me is because I know it's a part of my father that I've carried, and now passed on, and that terrifies me because I've spent my whole life denying and trying to bury the evil that he gave me, and now it's reborn in her. I don't know, maybe I'm overanalyzing this, but I know that I look like my father, and every time that I look in the mirror, that psycho is staring back at me. I guess evil never truly dies.

Maybe I'm the one that needs therapy? Hmmmmm... I wonder if there's a daddy/daughter discount?

Anyway, Phoebe's trainers will be going before the committee this week to try to get the decision overturned, and to get her back into the tournament for next Saturday. I'll try to be there for it.

Well, the first thing I thought when reading your account was, "Phoebe's never going to be subdued by any man." Whether she is jumped by a stranger from the bushes or has the misfortune to have an abusive bf, she'll more than hold her own.

But I do get your wife's POV. Phoebe definitely needs to learn the difference between fighting to preserve life and limb, and competing in a sport. Competitors shouldn't be viewed as enemies. Sometimes they can become good friends. She should try to see the positive relationships she has the opportunity to make with these other girls.

As for your deep concern, that somehow you're seeing the worst traits of your father being passed down to your daughter, I think you yourself are an example that people don't have to be defined by their DNA. Most human traits can have positive and negative uses. Phoebe needs to be trained, whether by you and her mom, or a therapist, or some combination thereof, to channel her "killer" instincts appropriately. I hear about sports therapists every time I watch the Olympics. Some of these people focus on the mental side of sport. Perhaps someone like that could help Phoebe channel her energies more appropriately.

I am so looking forward to Stuart'!!

Hopefully Phoebe won't go the Tyson route, and of course, "with great power comes great responsibility. "